When I was in Portland I spent a great deal of time wondering if anyone was thinking about me. To my friends, I was constantly busy. To myself, I was constantly busy. I barely had time to think in between social events, dating and dance or art, but I liked it that way. There were less things to worry about when I was busy - like who is going to love me? The more I was out, the more I felt like I was giving myself the opportunity to meet people, meet him, whoever he was. But alas, my endless stream of dating got me wanting to leave the country. So I did.
But the point of this story is that as I sit here in my apartment in Japan, after having watched When Harry Met Sally and Steel Magnolias (sorry Sarah!) I find myself starting to wonder why I have this same feeling...why am I alone? Even after canceling plans TONIGHT to watch Heroes with friends or other opportunities to pick up the phone....I still have this feeling. Does everyone?
It seems ridiculous to me. Maybe because I'm PMSing and everything is introspective or I'm not eating enough red meat or I'm missing my family or I am tired of my art projects and cleaning and internets to the point I am left to my thoughts. (Sarah would say this is self inflicted from tormenting myself with fictional sob stories such as the movies previously listed) What's the use. At least it wasn't The Notebook this time.
Can I blame my family for this? My mother practically has my name on match.com as we speak! And every man I meet is greeted by my sisters with the same enthusiasm and premonition...he's the one! Bah! Get out of my head!
Is is possible to just be alone. I mean clearly because here I am. In Japan, it's not like I'm hiding....necessarily. I mean, I'm adventuring and learning about myself still. I have ambitions and dreams I aspire to accomplish. And it can be complete with all these things, even without a partner right? Oy vey.
I do believe in love. I've had it. I know that it comes out of no where and when it is there, there's no denying it. I am not afraid it doesn't exist, I suppose tonight I am just worn out from anticipation. We'll call this a lull and I'll go eat some strawberry Pocky and be fine tomorrow. I'll get my bangs cut and visit an art museum and I'll be surrounded by life. I will be right where I'm suppose to be, doing exactly what this life has to offer and I'll love every second of it.
And this question will come up again, but not for awhile. I don't have to make heads or tails of it, because it is just a question, just a thought, like so many rolling around in my head. If I knew the answer to this, I'd just be blogging about something else. So for tonight I will revel in my inquisition and love that I am alive to think about it.
1 comment:
Damn you...why did you get all the great writint abilities. No you are not alone...you're just a little self absorbed. All I could think reading that was when you were little roller skating. Your whole life you go fast and hard and never hang on to the rail. I think you are going to fast to catch or God's teaching you to slow down. Don't be so depressed you are loved a million times over and I obsess about you all the time. Satan wants you to feel alone so you get enjoy all the people God has surrounded you with. I think you should read Eat, Pray, Love all over again. The world is love. I know I'm married and even being married I feel alone at times. It's my relationship with Jesus that reminds me that I have an eternal romance. I love you...don't be sad. When I visit again in your dreams remind me to smack you around!
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