Top 10 from Japan in 2008

After 4 months I understand, that I do not know everything about Japanese culture, but there are a few things I have learned :

1. Culture is a machine that takes all of its components to work.
2. Language is more than words, context is everything and context is apart of culture.
3. Toilet seat warmers are the way to go
4. Listening is key
5. Anything is possible
6. Doing that which scares me the most directly contributes to my personal growth and happiness.
7. There are many ways to skin a cat
8. There is a time and a place if you make one
9. If it looks like chicken skin on a stick and it takes like chicken skin on a stick, it’s chicken skin on a stick.
10. Life doesn’t stop when you move to a foreign country (maybe just as you know it)

Somebody got a special package in the mail

Heyyo!!!  Yay me Yay me!!  I got a care package today from the loveliest woman alive, M(r)s. Katie Stover!!!  What a treat!  This package not only included flossers for which I have been desperately waiting for but a variety of other thoughtful gifts.  

1. Reese's peanut butter cups

2. "Signed" photograph of one sexy model, none other than Hugh Dancy himself (Katie you treat me so good)

3. The MOST hilarious comic strip of Dilbert yet.  I cannot wait to get back into corporate America.  

4. A gorgeous post card that is now sitting on my entryway shoe holder below the poster of my two leading ladies, Alice and Josie.

5. A movie to tide me over (my internets is slow...WTF and I can't watch thing at normal pace...aaannnoooying)  Good choice to Katie.  Wit.  A scholar who gets cancer and realizes that life is about kindness and not the pursuit of knowledge....hmmmmm.....I don't know what to think thousands of miles away from my family during the holidays while I'm on my own personal quest for internationalization and personal growth.....but thanks.  I only cried for about 30 minutes into after I watched it.....alone.

I am soooooooooooo grateful for the thoughtful gifts.  Its fun to get stuff in the mail especially when I know it has been in the hands of someone I should be drinking a vat of wine with right now.   My tidal wave of culture shock has moved down the road for now.  I am settled again and happy to be alive.  

I ventured out to buy some cheap food and put together my own udon dish, I spoke quite a bit of Japanese with a teacher at school and sang White Christmas with one of my classes.  My whole plan to Vietnam and Cambodia is planned and booked.  Wait for it!  I am.  

Katie - you are amazing and I couldn't have begged for a better older sister.  (so thanks to my parents too.)

a little bit like the sky is falling

I know I haven't checked in for sometime now, and everything I have posted lately has been about some ridiculous dreams that have not a whole lot to do with the day to day in Japan. But the tide has turned and life is different. I am different, noticeably, to myself especially. I am at the bottom of the barrel for high spirits these days. Seems like all I want to do is wallow and I don't even have a good reason, except for the fact that I just can't have it my way when I want it all the time I suppose. I'm in Japan and I want to be here, maybe more if Japan had a Stumptown and a Mcmennamins, though I would NEVER suggest it because then it wouldn't be Japan. They also speak a different language here, in case you wouldn't have guessed and though I have nothing against it, I find myself a little depressed about it. I am apathetically tired of not being able to read things or know what they mean. I suppose this is the low point of culture shock. I've been warned.

Fortunately I have some pretty amazing people in my life right now helping hold me together from afar. Which that in itself almost makes living here, away from them, intolerable. Having said all this - I need to say, I wouldn't change coming here for the world. I love living here it is amazing. I just think there are some things we don't have control over...the feelings that wash over us sometimes. Right now I'm in it, whatever it is - maybe it's growing pains. Whatever it is, I know that I will come out of it happier, more self assured, satisfied and more knowledgeable about myself. At this point, I know myself well enough to also know that this probably won't be the last time I am at a lull but at least I know to just enjoy it...because today is a gift. I feel myself wanting to drift into the darker side of life but I won't allow myself. I will however allow myself to lament about the fact that its cold, they don't use heaters in school, my pockets are stuffed with those heat pockets you have to shake them to get warm, it always seems to rain on the days I DON'T have my umbrella or rain boots, I am broke, I am going to Vietnam without solid plans and hate the idea that I have already spent money before I have actually done anything - airplane tickets just hanging out waiting to confirm validation. I have a test due this week for a Japanese course I have been avoiding and now I have to CRAM to get it in which I don't want to do but for some reason I have to because I started it (paid for it). Um....what else, oh ya....Christmas is coming and though I feel fine about not being at home I miss it terribly and seeing my sister's Christmas tree up and in full effect with her children around the kitchen table makes my heart ache. Oh the pain, sweet suffering....let it be my choice and dear god let it be not in vain.

that would be a great sentence for me to stop at, and ponder and let you all ponder as well but we already know the answer. Of course it's not. So I'll end with a few things that sometimes help me get through the day :

1. Let it be
2. Aint nothing gonna break my stride, aint nothing gonna hold me down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.
3. Que Cera Cera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see, que cera cera.

Frog shit

As soon as I would start to clean it off from one spot on my bed I would find another and another until it was literally everywhere that I looked. It was green - different shades of green and it was mushy - thank god it wasn't hot shit. Just mushy.

It started with a frog jumping in my room and up onto my bed. It was fairly large and upon further inspection I noticed it had a baby frog in its mouth. I was worried at first that it would bite the baby frog or eat it but it didn't so I thought that was just how they were carried around. But then, suddenly a long, hard shelled, glossy spider began to crawl up. It moved with the grace of a walking stick and attached behind it, it drug a scorpions pincher. Naturally I freaked out at the sight - especially because at this point both creatures had now violated that which is sacred -not be touched by insects and the like - MY BED! I flailed momentarily and ran out to get my dad who was preparing to go to bed upstairs. The upstairs hall light was still on. Kara came running out of her upstairs bedroom to see the commotion, my father was second to emerge from his room. Surprisingly the spider creature had followed me without reservation. It was easy for me to justify my panic as I dodged this pet as it moved past me and continued up the stairs. It seemed harmless enough and it was in "Dad's" territory now, nothing he couldn't handle, so I said goodnight and went back to my room. The frog was still there sitting atop my curtain rod watching. The baby frog had escaped its parent's mouth and had jumped down onto my bed. I was fine with it at first because it was an adorable little frog, but then it started to make for my pillow and the exposed sheet area. And before I could fully revolt from the ickiness of frog slime on my pillow, the large frog leaped from the curtain s onto my pillow and bit the baby frog's head off!

I didn't know which to be more horrified about, a frog eating it's child or the disgusting dead frog remnants smeared across what was my safe haven of a pillow. GOD! GROSS! And ickiness swept over me. I lurched for a towel to get that shit off my pillow. Someone had arrived after hearing the commotion and started to help me clean up the gloppy mess. No sooner had I swiped up the first bit of green, grainy, mushy goo, the large frog had plopped itself on another part of my bed - this time leaving a pile of green mushy poop where it had just been. It was a green clay bodied mound just ruining my precious sanctuary and staining my hope for a restful slumber. As I moved to clean up the next pile I noticed another - then another - then another as I pulled my sheets back! Each pile a different shade of green and a different shape. They seemed to appear anywhere my eye could see, literally as if my eyes created them upon looking at my bed. At this point there was more green than white bedding and wave of defeat, ickiness and panic came over me right before I woke up.

Brain stew

I made myself write it down in my dream. Richard - Katie was there and Heather was pregnant. I saw Sam Curtis he was like 8 feet tall and I felt like he had simply moved away for a long time. When I punched him on the leg affectionately it clamored like a hollow tube of steel. He tossed an egg at me from the end of a parking lot near a park. I caught it not knowing what it was before I tossed it back and felt the ovalness of it meander out of my perfectly balled up hand. It crashed down on the asphalt with a bang unnatural to an egg hitting asphalt and I was approached by security asking why I was throwing eggs. Sam was mad I had broke it. He had long curly hair and walked as if he were on stilts. He wore a flannel shirt. I promised him disgruntledly that I would go buy him a new one. So I departed from him and began to make my way to the grocery store. There is when Richard and Heather met up with me and Katie. We had to cross a very busy road - possibly highway and I was worried for the baby's sake, eyeing her stomach and the road cautiously to make sure it would not get hit. Then I realized I was pregnant. When I woke up in my dream I was telling my mom about it without looking at her, but writing down the words to remember this dream, Pregnant, egg and Sam Curtis.

Sam, Richard, pregnant, Katie, egg, breakable, anger, life threatening.

The skeletons in my closet were stirring the pot last night. At least I had the good sense to write it down.

get that shit out my mouth!

Japan has got its hook into me and I am but a fish removed from my little pond.  I know this fancy world outside my comfort zone has many beautiful things and many possibilities.  I'm trying to gauge it all while I'm desperately trying to breath out of my element.  Though I'm feeling like my fate is either in someone's glass cage with recycled water or in a frying pan.  I am waiting for sweet release and to be submerged back in the water I am familiar with.  I cannot wait to taste its sweet essence and feel it on my skin.  A cold and refreshing return is just what the doctor ordered.  Time and space will cure all ailments.  Though I will wear the scars as badges of honor in my experience.  I will appreciate my life and my good fortune.  

*all metaphors aside this is just culture shock.  I am bitching more than necessary but lamenting is like my third favorite thing to do.  I need to GET OVER IT and jump back in.  I need to revive the excitement and stop trying to coast through this...I'm getting stuck in an eddy.  balls.  sorry, okay okay!!!  I'm back!  

あしたはにほんごのれんしゅをいきます- がんばって

that's right...（i think)

A camera without vision

Why can't I take good pictures?  It's almost like a handicap.  It seems like everyone who travels should be able to take a decent photo.  If you're going to the effort to travel somewhere to see some real beauty it is more than a pity to be unable to capture that for all time.  But whatever, so what - I can't do it.  My pictures are very similar to the way I am in real life, quick, uncalculated and celebratory of each minute regardless of what a silly camera can catch.  I am not going to give up on taking photos (despite the fact that it seems I am the only camera disabled person in the JET program) I just need to apologize in advance and suggest that you travel as much as you can so you can see these places behind your own eyes.   Mine see everything perfectly and could not be more grateful.  And when I share these moments with you, the syllables and inflection in my words will just have to be enough.

exhibit A:  Josh takes a pic of the cliffs in Obama....  

My pic of the cliffs.  

I really thought I had something....wrong.  

15 minutes of International fame = a really long blog

Today Obama is Pr

esident and our country takes a step in the right direction.  I celebrated in Obama, Japan, almost a complete world away with other pe

ople who were right there ready to welcome him into a position for change.  I cannot begin to describe how excited, no - awed I am by the patriotism that took place in order for Obama to become the President, but I can describe to you what celebrating that patriotism in Obama, Japan was like.  Surreal. 

Jeremiah (thank God I can finally spell his name - shit), Dale and I rallied on the train at 6:50 in the a.m. to get to the bus heading for Obama by 7:10.  We did not know what Obama looked like, or if we would be able to follow the polls.  We heard it was a "small fishing town" and with adventure and hope in our hearts we departed anyway, determined to dedicate this day to being America as close to "Obama" as we could be....right?  Dale and Jeremiah brought their laptops.  We were fully prepared to search for the closest Internet place and hook up if nothing was happening.  We were not prepared for what we were actually about to find.

Our 45 minute bus ride was scenic and we watched the sun stretch out over the mountain peeks.  We knew we were closer to Obama every stop the meter above the driver added an extra 100 yen here and there.  

The police at the "police box" at the train station in Obama, told us the festivities had ended and though initially we were a little miffed we missed "it" we were set on having a party that day and we set off to Moss Burger to find our Internets.  As we asked for directions, Jeremiah came upon a Japanese word he was not familiar with....Shomo or something of that nature.  Because it was 8 o'clock in the morning and I was feeling very comfortable being around people who don't speak English, I made the very common mistake of just being a smart ass for fun.  I said, "maybe we could just act it out" and before I could congratulate myself for being sooo  clever, another police man echoed me, "act".  Quite possibly the only English word he knows so, part embarrassment, partly in the mood to follow this charade out I started to wobble my arms a bit and rock from one leg to the next - adding the word "act" to it just to have fun.  I don't know what the fuck I did but suddenly the police woman who was giving the directions started to mimic my movements and declared, "fireman".  I repeated, "fireman?" a little caught off guard that she said something in English.  Dale and Jeremiah's jaws dropped as they gawked at my incredible translation of Shomo (or whatever the word was).  I was just as confused but however it worked this police woman was able to articulate fireman from my ridiculous smart ass remark which led us to the fire station where we could see the Moss burger.

Honestly, I don't know how the world works and I'm starting to realize it might just be one big joke.

Moss burger was great.  It was open.  There was no Internet however, though a laptop was set up at the end of the counter by the older man who was working solo.  We were more than happy to grab a burger before running off to the next Internet spot...it wouldn't be open for an hour.  Coffee and a chili cheese burger, make it 3 please.  Dale had run outside to check for wifi...Jeremiah and I set up at an empty table...English rap was thumping through the sound system.  I asked Jeremiah if he thought the old man liked the music, so he asked, we got a smile and no response.  We took it as a no.  

The sun was out in full morning effect, 8:30 heat...thank god I brought 2 sweaters and my uggs! Before I could say - thanks for the free keitai bling, Dale had brought in 2 other Americans who came to Obama to celebrate.  Everyone here has a strange name - Gabby brought this to my attention and now it is all I can think about.  So in come, Gabriel and Hathem. Gabriel is from Kansas, his hair is dark and shaggy and he has fierce green and brown eyes furrowed under dark eyebrows and stands all of 5'-5" tall.  Hathem is ethnic (which sounds so ridiculous to describe someone as, while living in Japan and realizing we are all ethnic, what the fuck).  He has dark curly hair and big brown eyes with long lashes behind some fancy glasses.  He is from New York.  Of course.  I am excited to see them (its always excited to run into fellow Americans - except when I get drunk in Kyoto and walk around bitching about all the white people, sorry).  But on election day, bring em out, bring em out!   I am even more excited because they inform us the party hasn't even begun and they bust out a map to take us there.  More exciting than all this is the craziness of running into 2 other Americans who speak Japanese as they and Jeremiah now turn to the Moss burger employee and start speaking the garble I have to listen to day in and day out....it was almost a twin peaks experience (I'm assuming, I always hear that but have never actually seen twin peaks.  I now assume all freaky shit is a twin peaks experience...you tell me) And it gets better still when some other Japanese person walks into the moss burger and offers to walk Gabriel and Hathem straight to the party so they don't get lost.  This is truly a country that cares.

I grab the bags of food to go and take them outside to eat them with Dale and Jeremiah as our friend Josh shows up.  (I make the mistake of introducing him as Justin a few times later in the day but he doesn't correct me until I find out from Dale I've been saying it wrong the whole time, I hate that, but he doesn't seem to mind).  At this point it is almost 9 something and we are fully aware we are not drunk yet.  Dale resolves this with beers he grabs at the "Family Mart" on the corner...to go with our chili cheese burgers.  He has also brought some whiskey which I decide to drink first...liquor before beer, right?  So it looks like the trip is going to be more exciting than we hoped for.  A party.  Small or not it was an assembly and we would follow the polls it would not be all for not.

For the record, Obama is not a small town.  Everyone says it is but it's much bigger than my town.  Or any towns in Takashima from what I can tell....but people continue to contest to how small it is.  We walk for some time drinking my beer, sipping my whiskey and coffee, alternating my drinks and which arm will be holding my over sized sweater.  The morning shade is cool and breezy but the morning sun is incubating my legs right through my dark skinny jeans and my sheep skin uggs.  Are we there yet?  We see water, there is potential.  Before we see the Mermaid Plaza where the party is, we see the biggest sign with an upside down dead fish painted on it.  Do I take a picture no?  Do we all wonder what that store could be selling with a giant dead fish on it?  A little, but this is Japan.  We enter the building, me concealing my open beer (it's legal to drink in public but maybe not in public buildings?).  There is a small group of people milling around, a table set up to greet handing out Obama chopsticks and I can see a table where they are selling the I heart Obama shirts.  Giant flat screen TVs are set up with live coverage in English - we have arrived.  A crazy group of Japanese people are freaking out as they always do on Japanese TV, dressed in some strange costumes.  One a blue polyester suit, one dressed like a power ranger, one wearing a special helmet with crazy shit glued to the top and a fancy lady in a ruffly blue strapless dress with white sunglasses atop her head.

Not too much is happening so Jeremiah and I head outside - me to chug my beer and Jeremiah to search for a coke to top with some whiskey.  We happen across some dudes smoking outside.  They ask Jeremiah what press we are with then we say - we're not press and ask for the vending machine.  We find one, get 2 cokes and are just about to pour ourselves a perfectly deserved beverage when a string of kindergarten kids walk by holding hands....we wait.  We're not saints but we try not encourage too much delinquency, from small children that is.  And back into the building for the partay to start.

(to be continued...there is a lot to write about obviously so I need to pace myself.  Enjoy the suspense.)

party 

newspapers - woah cool

more cameras

oh a video camera cool

obama shirt

obama chopsticks

TVs broadcasting CNN

hula dancers?

Obama ranger?

cameras?

more JETs - more cameras

chants

laughter

more cameras

go on stage - hercules - cameras - hot

jeremiah + kyla = stanch liberals

performances

polls

Virginia

Ohio - it's all over

watched the states turn blue on CNN

get on the table

chants

drinking - pass the cup

song and dance man - Obama is beautiful world

hula - no wait OBAMA IS PRESIDENT

crazy business

interviews! 

interviews!

interviews!

hold the sign!!!

CNN

speeches - news papers hot off the press

can I have your jacket?

YES!

lunch? Booze?

Ferry?

Food?

weather and booze

Ferry ride - fast and free

wind beneath my wings

the Kompai!

Dutch photojournalist - natural disasters....nightmares...hands

Kenyan Embassador speaks!

photos!!

running for the bus

kids show us the way

station - drunk lady dale is charming

german journalist who jumps on bus and criticizes my intellect

home 

fame.

one for me.

I have turned a corner, or have made it around the bend, one or the other.  I now know that I sometimes avoid accountability in my life by "going with the flow".   Some would say that's just a way of living, but I know from my previous life (somewhere before college and ex boyfriends) that I am capable of so much more when I pull my head out of the sand and push forward with the things I truly want in life.

1.  I want to be an interior designer and I will do what I need to, to get that job.  THAT job.  

I can have it.  It is waiting for me...so is my furniture.

2.  I want financial security and am ready to start .....budgeting (yay) again.  Wouldn't that be a treat to have money in the bank?  I am letting go of my ideas that I need new clothes whenever I find some and I am letting go of the idea that if I budget or plan on what to spend my money on then I will miss out on the unplanned bits of life...letting go of the idea of missing out in general.  (please refer to my theory : the way you do one thing in life is the way you do everything)

3.  Instead of giving myself a stomach ulcer from worry I will devote my energy to the positive outcomes that I desire and let go of all the other unnecessary bullshit.

4.  I have finally figured out how I want my portfolio to look!  and suddenly I feel like myself.

5.  I am going to let go of my ideas that I need to throw money at my problems rather than taking the time to solve them or better yet prevent ;)  example : housing, grocery shopping, vacations, entertainment, transportation, train tickets, everything.

6. Oh, and when designing things - what I design is original, a Kyla original.  It doesn't have to be contrived to be an original it can just be newly inspired and refreshed.  Everyone is looking for rebirth.  That's why we go to sleep every night.

This is not why I started writing tonight but this is what came out.  And how did I discover all these wonderful things about myself you may be wondering?  It did not all come from just one single event, but in the fun things I get to do with my life here in Japan :

While eating chicken katsudon for breakfast at a small restaurant in Imazu outside of Pule's apartment...post a night of Shaun of the Dead and 28 weeks later talking to Dale (who we call Dirty D) about what life in America is going to be like when we return - or what this life has to offer outside the box.  

Also, watching 5 adults help each other put zombie make up on and making fake wounds with gelatin and fake blood while the other 3 zombies are practicing the thriller routine in Mary and Talon's tatami room.  

I had a glimmering moment of awareness riding on the train by myself while an old man who I named "gummy" stared at me over the top of the train seat.  I also have these revelations while cleaning my kitchen and looking at the garbage I still don't know how to "recycle".  They recycle EVERYTHING here.  It's not just getting the right things on the right days but how to prepare it for recycling, sheesh.  

I think about all of these things when I ride my bike to school in the morning - passing the people who work at the bank sweeping the leaves off the sidewalk and out of the street every morning.  And when I sit with my back to a room full of about 25 Japanese coworkers who are scurrying about while I am sitting quietly observing how all the windows are open and there are more than a few bugs that are trying to escape but can't find the opening in the wall.

Don't quote me but, the world works in mysterious ways.

dreaming the life

Most days are remembered like dreams. `Did that really happen?` is a question I find myself asking a lot. The lochness monster, for example, was discussed while walking over a stone pathway over a mote to get into the Hikone Castle grounds. I believe the question was,'do you believe in the lochness monster?' or would you kill it and capture it if you saw it?' or Does it live in Japan?' - but all of this was discussed as I peered into the green darkness of the mote as I walked single file to the Mascot summit.

Do you see what I mean? This really happened.

Also - singing Old Crow Medicine Show, Wagon Wheel as I exited the train in Otsu. The people staring at me seemed to disappear either from the drowning music coming from the ipod or the blindness of the booze. Efrem says, "Do you mind? Some people have to live here!"

I was overcome with a sense of free-ness. I reminded Efrem (in between musical stanzas) that I did not live in Otsu and would never be seeing these people again. And as I continued to sing I also let my body follow into joyous dancing all the way from the train to the taxi to the lyrics, rock me mama like a wagon wheel, rock me mama anyway you feel, hey mama rock me, rock me mama like the wind and the rain, rock me mama like a south bound train, hey... mama rock me.

and I was happy and free.

*I would like to thank the beer suppliers at the Round1 bowling alley in Kyoto and the Heineken suppliers at Lawson's for contributing to my state of enlightenment - oh ya, and thanks Japan.

My Mother and her Wonderful Sneeze

She pretends not to care when she really does

and she really cares when she wants to

she cares too much when no one cares

feeling good

I can only begin to describe how wonderful my experience in Japan is by saying, space.  I have found space here.  Space to breath.  Space to think and learn and grow and hide and come and go as I please.  Tonight I am watching the Fifth Element as I am stretching in my living room.  My "extra" tatami mat room where only a coffee table resides and some pillows to sit on.  It is simple.  I have room to stretch.  I have always wanted an empty room to just have space.  I have that here.  It inspires me to stretch.  It gives me room to breath as I let the oxygen fill my muscles and room to exhale as I stretch a little more.   It is quiet here.  

I am definitely feeling at home.  I am settling into my job and love my town.  I am getting the jist on how to handle my students and looking forward to my weekends to go crazy.  My Japanese is kicking in...sorta.  I find myself using some sentences when having conversations with my coworkers.  

The other day I thought, 'when would I come back and visit Japan' after I return home, and realized it wouldn't be for a long time.  I started to miss Japan as I sat at my desk in school.  I missed Japan and I haven't even left yet.  I still don't know exactly how long I will be here, 1 year is what I am thinking...but it is so wonderful here.  The culture is smooth, the traditions are grounding the honorific systems they use are endearing and motivating.  It is easy to want to work somewhere where we are all working with and for each other.  Everyone wants to help each other and are grateful to have you with them.  Grateful.

Maybe I'm just grateful.  Grateful that I haven't keeled over and died since I got here, grateful that everyone has helped me so much and have made me feel at home.  I'm grateful that I have this amazing apartment and great friends to explore with.  I'm grateful for the room to breath and grateful that I have amazing friends back home to lift me up when I'm feeling down.  I really threw myself into this experience, just fell backwards and everyone has put their arms out to catch me.  So, thanks.

It feels good to be alive.  This world is a trip.  yay me.

loves.

it won't hurt you

(dream last night)

I was buying a backpack ~ but I was reluctant to spend money, but it fit so comfortably.

Then - I was showing someone a baby bird in a cage.  When I looked down, it jumped out through the bars.

I was scared of it.  It was quite small and fast.  Someone reassured me it would not hurt me and I would not hurt it.

So I put my hand down and it jumped onto my finger, but then fell off.

Someone showed me how to do it, but when the bird was securely holding on to their finger, this person pulled it through a puddle as if it was teaching the bird to swim.

The bird had light curly feathers and though I was concerned at first about the water, it seemed to enjoy the experience.

turn it up

Maybe you've noticed I haven't written anything in a while.  It seems like I can write endlessly for days about annoying shit and weirdness and maybe some taboo ideas.  However I haven't been really dealing with anything like that lately.  My life is settling and I'm enjoying Toga parties and Takoyaki parties and bowling and everything is starting to simmer down.  

Except now, I am in "like" with a boy named Brian.

and I have nothing to say about it.  

I have a lot to say about it actually but I don't want to.  I don't want to tell anyone about it because if you know me, you know I'm a crazy person in relationships...or at the beginning of relationships right before they end.  I don't want everyone to tell me - "oh Kyla, you always like someone" and then feed the fuel to my insecurities about sharing my heart.  I don't want to pull anyone into my psychosis of emotional issues but I'll be the first to admit, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Here's what I'll say, here's the jist.  

I feel different.  After all my panic attacks and talking myself out of this bisness I end up still feeling good about it, like I trust it.  I sorta like being liked - which usually makes me fairly uncomfortable in the sense I might not be in control of everything.  I can admit it.  We have agreed to be "just friends" while I'm in Japan so we can keep it real...which is a huge relief even though it might be a tremendous lie, it's a psychological lifesaver.  I mean I'm here and he's not so........So...wish me luck.  When I agreed to let go of control in my life and move here I put no boundaries on it and am letting the love in.  No expectations just mystery and learning.  Let everything wash over me like an ocean.  What's the worst thing that could happen?  I could end up on a beach?

So no words.  No words.  just magic.

random thoughts, please don't feel obligated to comment.

Every twist and turn of the day brings more and more answers, as if my life in Japan is a game of Tetris.  

side note : "I'm Japanese, I don't use candles!" she exclaimed as she bitterly recalled a story of how she threw away all the left over shit (i.e. candles) from her "ex" boyfriend's house after he had allowed his ex girl friend to stay with him against my friends request.  --> I had no idea that is a non-Japanese trait....the use of candles?  I had to laugh at how vehemently she said it.  hm.

I  love it here.  It's not just Japan so much as this life provided by JET.  I have been given a wonderful group of friends who are "jetting" down the same adventure as me.  Everyone is game to celebrate everyday and every person here.  I have a job that I dip into for a few hours a day that opens my mind to a cultural divide and then have the rest of the day to swim in it.  The days go by and the more I learn about Japan the more I have to shuffle my ideas about myself as an American.

kobe is a city in Japan

Congratulations you are still in the running.....

Oh my, what a sob session I had about 30 minutes ago.  The kind my little sister Kara would so kindly go out of her way to tell me to stop doing because my crying sounds are really annoying.  But I couldn't help myself.   I got my favorite roommate's (Lindsey's) package in the mail and it couldn't have come at a better time.  This week has straight up kicked my ass.  I suppose I had to shed some tears to make room for more smiles.  I also think it was the smell of lavender in the soap, incense and lavender pillow that Lindsey sent to me that reminded me of home.  Everything in this country smells a little on the wet side.  Vinegar or mildew.  My apartment especially is made mostly of plastic and there's no dryer so my clothes got to dry last night draped over every door and doorknob in my place....They could go outside but there is a spider bigger than God out there and I was tormented  considering it might touch me.  

Also, this week I got my enlarged pic of my cats for my entryway so I miss miss miss miss miss them terribly.  I feel like a horrible mother.   Typical story, they are going to forget about me.  This thought quickly spirals into everyone will forget about me (despite my incessant skyping and blogging) and then came the, 'what the fuck am I doing here?'  'What am I doing with my life?'  How will I get back into design when I return?  Did I fuck up my "path" whatever that is, by coming here, or can I really live life day to day?  So maybe now you see how this lead to tears.

I didn't say they were necessary tears, I just said I cried.  Sheesh.  I lit a lavender incense and cried in a pool of my own tears and laundry on my bed.  I cannot wait to use my lavender soap and I have almost consumed my entire box of yogurt covered pretzels....which took me back.  

I know that it is just a waste of time to worry about the 'what ifs' in life.  There is only today.  There is only this second, right now.  I need to let go of control and roll with it.  Life is so much more enriching that way.  I mean if you can't get sexually harassed, speed walk 4 km in the blazing heat, hand your sexual harasser his balls in front of his bosses and coworkers, get drunk at an enkai afterwards and then watch Lauren Brie get kicked off America's Next Top Model all in one week....and do all of that surrounded by people you CAN'T understand at all, then hell, what's living?

I mean America is great and I cannot wait to get back there, but today is a day for doing something new and basking in the vastness of it, and out here, it's vast.

Quick shout out, Lindsey your package was amazing and you have deflated and revived me all at the same time.  I am so so lucky you are in my life, and too bad for you I know where you live.  You can't get rid of me.  Text message reading corner when you get this okay?

 

Sandra Bullock can change lives

What is that amazing feeling when you have a crush on someone and it feels like your chest is going to cave in on you in the most amazing way?  When I was younger, I remember this feeling could last forever.   It would get me through the day and anticipating the next.  It was such a high.   I am bringing this up because it has been a long time since I felt like this.  

I think I have one now, a crush.  But at the ripe old age of 26 this wonderful feeling of...hope and anticipation has turned into a frantic throbbing pain in my chest.  As if a crush were a knife in my heart this whole time but I finally am able to see the object that creates this and just want the damn thing removed asap.  It's my damn heart.  

Sorry to my crush.  I will try to work on it so that eventually hope will (as probably the worst quote of my life arrives) as Sandra Bullock says, "float up".  Or I will learn that sometimes it's better to leave the knife in rather than bleed to death.  What does that mean?  It just seemed right to say it.  

full, not pregnant with your baby

I knew it was sexual harassment because it left the sting of shame.  What an interesting exchange between two people to cause this feeling.  I felt like I had not acted appropriately to his remarks.  'I should have said'....blazed through my mind endlessly until I was paralyzed by it at my desk, unmotivated to do anything at all.  My body was rendered numb and heavy and clearly there was nothing to do but write it out.

Then the excuses came.  'Maybe it's just because it's a Monday', or 'Maybe it's because I was feeling kinda sick already', or 'maybe it's because one of my Japanese coworkers pretty much asked me to have sex with him? and later asked me to keep it a secret'?  I don't know.  Lost in translation leaning strongly towards the latter of the three scenarios. 

I had thought it strange when last week our post lunch English encounter ended with him asking if my "full" stomach was filled with a baby...his baby?!  I laughed it off as poor English and some crazy humor in this country. This teacher had always seemed meager and strange, frequently attempting at least 1 phrase of English a day, very slowly and stuttered usually - but kind and enthusiastic (it's always the meager and enthusiastics.)  I had discussed this situation as a lark at the birthday party on Friday - 'I was trying to say I was "full" as I put my hand on my stomach and he thought I was pregnant, ha ha and asked if it was his baby..haha?'  Many of my friends were shocked by his comment.  Perhaps I had brushed it off too quickly hoping to avoid awkward misunderstandings.  You know - benefit of the doubt type shit.  I hoped it would just be a joke of miscommunication and we would carry on with our daily English exchanges between the two of us.

(wrong)

Monday morning, he brings up the food/baby and after some comic facial translations and gestures he mentions something that sounds like 'full from lunch' and I was relieved all of my benefit of the doubt shit had paid off.  See, just a simple misunderstanding resolved...full from lunch, not baby ;)  

But then, there we are at lunch standing by the tray table, emptying our trays just me and him.   He looks innocent enough, older and almost frail, no one I would feel threatened by. 

Round two : "full belly?" he laughs and points to his stomach.  "Yes, full" I laugh.  The chicken curry was great but I couldn't believe there were 2 other sides to go with it!  This time he says again, "full with my baby" and I laugh.  "Dame (da-may which means bad, or don't do that)" I say with an awkward expression on my face, trying to pick up the laughter.  What is this?  Some kind of bad joke this guy thinks he's scoring points on?  Maybe the first time was funny but now I'm starting to get annoyed...you never ask a woman if she's pregnant let alone continue to do it after the mistake has been remedied.   I try to make this situation a joke by asking him if he is going to have a baby... He responds, "dame! haha your conversation is... interesting."  At which point I tell him "you're funny."  (translation : this better be a joke, because if it's not I'm giving you this one "out" to make it a joke or nothing good will come of it.)

Then he moves to the other side of me as I scrap my food into the compost pot...here it comes again, "my baby... ey?" only this time it seems more desperate, more of a real question.  He also adds an extra syllable at the end indicating he is looking for a real response.  His smile has faded slightly and suddenly we are a man and woman standing in front of that table having an inappropriate conversation (more so in retrospect...at the time it was just more....awkward).  I felt like I was looking at Ben Stiller in dodge ball in his silver spandex joking with me about the shackles he has in the back, but then adds, 'but seriously, I got em'.  If only this old man were Ben Stiller but he's not.  He's a school teacher for Christ sake...and this is not a funny movie, it's lame.  So for the love of God I answer "Dame, dame" said with a smile, can this just be over with already?  He repeats my answer and laughs, "dame" and walks away.  

I move to the sink to rinse out my milk carton and unfold it.  He follows me to the sink though his carton is already opened and rinses it off.  Well that makes sense I guess, this is me still thinking this is all in fun...no big deal, awkward but still just a bad joke because to me, he thinks, "she thinks my joke is funny, I'll just repeat it until forever," I don't know anything but let it lie.

I re-enter the teachers office and begin to do some work for my classes tomorrow.  I have copies to make and take them to the copy room.  I always forget my pen or scissors or white out (all essential worksheet making utensils) so I slide back to my desk to retrieve them when guess  who the fuck is there?  It's the meager enthusiastic.  This time I am waiting for some new stuttered phrases but to my surprise he knows exactly what he's going to say and says it in perfect English.

our conversation is a secret.

Bold, capitalized, italicized and underlined, exclamation point exclamation point.

Shit has gone down.  It's amazing how language works because had he NEVER said those words to me, I would still think, "that silly but creepy man" and left it at that.  Now I'm in the middle of some secret inappropriate behavior trap with the foreigner.  Like hell this secret is happening.  The word secret is like handing me a stick of lit dynamite and then saying, 'please, just hold this for me'.  

I panic a bit thinking shit what am I going to say, I try the foreigner schtick - I don't understand - but he said it in perfect English!  So I try to just shrug /laugh it off with the finger shaking at him saying, "ah, ah" like you're in trouble, but not acknowledging his request for secrecy.   Get me out of here!!!  But he follows me saying, "uh, uh, secret".  I walk right past him and again he follows me back into the printer room.  It was a stupid idea to go somewhere private where I knew we would be alone.  I should have started another conversation with someone else - IDIOT.  But I wanted to not deal.  As he follows me into the room he says again, secret?  I say "wakarimasen" which means I don't understand.  And then he holds his finger over his mouth to make, apparently, the universal sign for shhhhh - even worse.  That moment was as molesting as the western style toilet.  Such an intimate gesture.

I should have said, "No, no secret."  or I could have said, "No secret, just don't talk to me like that anymore" or I should have said, "you are making me really uncomfortable right now, please leave me alone".  Instead I ask, "Why?" "Why is this a secret?" hoping to take some of the pressure off me but to put it back on him, why does he want no one to know if this was just an innocent mistake?  He mumbles something as he backs towards the door...his English is pooling into his brain and he tries to communicate this delicately and precisely.  He manages with, "my.....uh....English.....is....not....good" The school bell rings and he needs to get to class.  I answer him with "Hai hai, not so good."  And he is finally gone.

What just happened?  What do I do? Do I need to do something?  God, I wish I could just drop this in an instant and forget it ever happened, but after finger to the mouth I could just vomit thinking about being alone in a room with this guy again.  Do I feel threatened by this man?  No, but really creeped out.  That's for sure.  I need to do something because I am now sitting at my desk feeling helpless and powerless to the point of numbness.  This is my body telling me that it doesn't matter how I talk myself around this I have been effected by it.  Thank God some part of me is sane.  Action, now.  But how?  To who?

and this is the shit that women get a bad wrap for....damned if you do and damned if you don't. Why do I have to deal with this shit at work?  But if I pass it on, then I bring "my" problems into the office.  WTF.  Balls and shit.  

I try to imagine being a human about it.  Maybe he realized it was a mistake and tried to just not make it awkward, but don't you think he would have just apologized instead of his persistence in secrecy?  Secrecy keeps the door open.  I thought maybe I could just let him know, hey lets just not joke like that...but then what if one day we're alone and he thinks it's "funny" to touch me or it goes too far at an enkai?  In a perfect world I could deal on my own, but I'm not necessarily at work for my health, I'm there to do a job.  So this is not my problem, it is the school's problem.  That's what I think is best but.......as a human being you know life loves to get complicated, especially when there is more than one person involved.  Suddenly, cultural background and personal background come into play as decisions and interpretations are calculated.   

I am so by the book in my mind.  You have to have rules and principles.  That's why they're there...rules set up to help situations like this.  I don't think everyone should have to handle things alone.  We are all connected, there is a network.  So I will first talk to another woman ALT who has been around longer than me to get some advise.  Maybe I'll talk to my supervisor after I have some emotional support.  Just to let someone know and then maybe I can just let the offender know what he did made me uncomfortable.  If he does not feel comfortable about other people knowing what he is talking about then those are inappropriate conversations to be having with me.  

I don't want him to get in trouble, I just want to assert myself.  But I don't know what will happen and that is the complicated bits.  But I know that I will not hold onto this feeling of shame, first and foremost.  Not mine to hold.  I will stop worrying about what will happen to him and focus on what I need to do for myself.  Surprisingly something I feel I need to convince myself of.  This is not the first time this has happened to me.  And I could only hope it will be the last.  But I'm not going to stop talking to people or being friendly and open.  I will try to be more assertive and stand in my own skin when I am feeling uncomfortable and say no.  These moments will always be awkward but the more I get to know myself the quicker my reaction time will be.  I'm only 26.  Watch out.

Sidenote : even the experience writing about this is delicate.  I had to edit more than I usually do to ensure that people will not misinterpret my interpretations.  WTF.  When can I just speak my mind if not in this tiny box in outterspace?

 

let the sun shine in

What are we...these creatures that just float around and bump into each other in large groups or stand alone in the middle of a canyon or field.  We are so small but can feel so big and so dense and sometimes so empty.  We fill ourselves with all things perishable but we believe in eternity.   Where do we go?  Where did we come from?  What are we here for?  Are we here to really make a difference or just conquer our environment?  

I want to design space, partly because I can't help myself but maybe I just have control issues. Maybe I just want everyone to live where I want to live or eat somewhere I would eat.  Or are we suppose to share these things as part of our experience with others.  Is this how we relate? I'm swimming right now in some corner of the world and other people are doing the same thing somewhere else.  Some right next door to me.  I don't know them or where their day takes them.  

Some people stay in one place their whole lives and some love to travel the globe.  Where does that energy come from?  Wherever it does, let the sunshine in.  

When I feel it

The big debate.  Do I stay here for 1 year or two?  I've thought for the past week or so, definitely two,  I could kick it here and visit Kyoto and just take it all in.  But when I announced the news to my father via email last night, I couldn't sleep.  I had an anxiety attack instead.  What would I do my second year?  The first year is all planned out.  Thailand for Christmas, India for spring break, see some family in the summer...then...stay and save money?  I could make $4800 of "free" money if I just take my checks and put them in the bank (cough)pay back my credit cards.

But I just couldn't see what I would do the second year.  Stay here, teach and ....live?

I guess the big question (to the "big" debate) is why not?  Immediately there are about 5 faces squishing their way through my brain, almost out of my eyeballs and onto my lap.

Mom, Katie, Kara, Dad and Gabby.

And then, Josie and Alice my cats.  And then my developing furniture company Kiss my Sass.  And my career, whatever that means.

So what would I do if I got home next year?  Traveled, saw the world and moved home?

What would happen if I stayed here another year and then moved home?  The answer I suppose lies in, what's next?  Originally, I thought the answer was in the question...am I one of those people that lives close to home her (relatively) whole life or can I separate and find a home afar?  Plug for Skype - if I didn't have it I would be home right now.  

What's next.  Brett Dennon is in the background and he says, "when you feel it you know".  Talk about timing.  I think I will marinate on that for the day...maybe a bit longer and, when I feel it, I'll know.

I need a beer!

I am grateful for Fridays and beer and that hair grows back.  I am grateful for fried shrimp, sushi and America's Next Top Model.  There is no better day than today.  

I was dreading school this morning on the brink of a panic attack as to why I moved to this country that I know nothing about and who knows nothing about me.  But I realized I was just stressed out because I was going to get my "bangs trimmed" tonight after school and I was nervous because I was going to a place I'd never been to with one of my (favorite) coworkers...who doesn't speak English.  And if you know me, you will know I'm very very very very very particular about my hair.  I was preparing for the worst.

I get to school and the rain comes.  Sheets of rain pouring down, which is great for 2 reasons and shitty for so many others.  It is great because it might just kill that fucking ugly ass GIGANTIC spider that lives outside my front door - waiting to eat me.  Also, the rain reminds me of home.  On the other hand, the rain sucks balls because....it reminds me of home and makes me involuntarily homesick, and I have to ride my fucking bike in it - sans umbrella.  But whatever...this conundrum also amuses me to no end.  After the first period of me sitting at my desk writing Kimmie a letter, the thunder comes.  It sounds so close I'm sure I felt the room shake...more fun.  I am envisioning my solo "teacher's" bicycle outside the side door getting drenched and how soggy my ass will get to have to sit on the puddle that is a bicycle seat.  But I move to 1 of 3 computers in the teachers office to check my email.  My previous blog was a bit over the top so I had to see if there were any comments.  Probably best if there wasn't.  

To my surprise, I find Ms. Amy Phillips on gmail!  We chat for about 30 minutes or so and I felt like it was a real conversation.  We typed at the same time, we LOL'd at the same timed and HAHAHAHAHAH'd at the same time and even talked about Macy's big belly at the same time.  It felt good to be in sync.  Plus, I love her soooooooooooooo much she is my inspiration and reason for living so I was happier than a fly on shit to see her name marked available!  Her Jeffy got home and my teachers were getting restless so I let her go and went to sit solemnly at my desk.  I think it must bother the other teachers that I have nothing to do, when they are back and forth and in and out busy all the time.  So I sat.  I have started a vocabulary list from the book I'm reading: Love in the time of Cholera...good book.  So I was studying my English words.  YAY me...revolt against the culture you live in! 

well...I was also sitting there hoping - all the fruit flies in my apartment would die! (sidenote) and that I wouldn't have to stand in front of the whole classroom today. I much preferred face to face time when I was helping my girls with their speeches.  I packed up and headed to the first of 4 classes today.  It was a fucking miracle...today I was going to sit in the library and have the students read to me 1 at a time ;)  Yay!  there is a god.

So I did that for 2 classes....by then I was starving.  What was for lunch?  Another egg stuffed fish with a face?  Please no!  When I arrived at my desk there was....fried chicken...no shit.  Japanese fried style but fried none the less.  What a great day.

My last 2 classes were sorta....off.  I wasn't as prepared as I should have been for either of them and my last class had the same kid in it who strangled another student and kicked over a girls desk last I saw him.  Today he decided to wail on the poor chubby 12 year old in class until he was crying.  And no, nothing happened to the mean kid.  Nothing ever does.  They "discipline" their students different here.  They just don't.  I got back to the teachers office in time for cleaning.  The students have to clean the school for 15 minutes at the end of the day and today I was ready for them.  I was tired, I didn't help clean, I pointed out where they needed to do more and made them talk to me in English.  I was a bad ass and felt kinda like a teacher.  When they left I high "touched" one of the (unsuspecting) teachers and stated proudly, "I need a beer!"

How strange it felt to feel something so familiar.  I was almost giddy that my entire body was in agreement.  But first I had to get my hair cut.

I raced home and changed into something more comfortable (which wasn't as it turned out because they don't do boobs here and most of my tops do) but whatever.  So I met my coworker Iho Sensei at the station in Adogawa.  We were driving to TOPS.  Iho sensei brought her English dictionary and I brought my pseudo Japanese dictionary.  It looks huge but has large font so no words of use as it turns out.  The first word I tried to look up was cool....because the salon was actually pretty dope.   Did I take pictures? no...I have a fear of looking like a tourist.  But the word cool actually means cold so fuck...fortunately after about 5 minutes of acting, I remembered the word ---  sugoi (sue-go-e)  and she looked it up and sure enough it meant wonderful.  So we jumped out of the van and into TOPS.

They took me to the shampoo station.  A cloth was placed over my face (geniuses) while they massaged and shampooed for about 15 minutes.  Then, more massage at the cutting station itself.  The hair cut was described as - trim it, bangs shaggy (stylist's word - awesome) A-line (curses I'll never get anywhere beyond that fucking A-line - I'm sorry I ever left you Jennifer).  Then she began to cut.  And as usual I hated it.  But she kept cutting.  And cutting.  I knew I shouldn't have got the whole thing cut.  Every time I want to grow it out...I need a trim which turns into a cut.  DAMN IT.  But after the cut there was more shampooing.  What the fuck ever I thought...it couldn't get any worse.  I was just going to enjoy the fact that a man's hands were touching me.  So I was relaxed for just a bit.  More massage and back to the chair for more massage...I could get used to that.  Iho is looking up words and phrases and is being such a great friend chatting about hair and salons in America and such and she is just so cute and wonderful.  My new boyfriend is now blow drying my hair.  And as he is so gently rolling out every section my hair transforms into something almost cute.  Yes.  cute.  He adds a bit of waxy gel to the top and the woman who cut it sprays it.  And, what do you know it's not half bad.  I was even asked to come back and be a hair model! 

      

The transformation into a Japanese person is well on it's way.

Now it's time for a beer!  

Right where I'm suppose to be

I've always felt like a...loner.  Someone should really think up a new name for that.  It sounds so early 80's.  Well, for lack of a better word, I have felt separate from any crowd.  Don't get me wrong, I have lots of great friends who i spend a lot of time with.   Sometimes scheduled time, sometimes spontaneous and it is with friends, but when I'm alone I often feel alone.  Is it this way with everyone in temporary moments of solitude?  To feel unacknowledgable?  

When I was in Portland I spent a great deal of time wondering if anyone was thinking about me.  To my friends, I was constantly busy.  To myself, I was constantly busy.  I barely had time to think in between social events, dating and dance or art, but I liked it that way.  There were less things to worry about when I was busy - like who is going to love me?  The more I was out, the more I felt like I was giving myself the opportunity to meet people, meet him, whoever he was.  But alas,  my endless stream of dating got me wanting to leave the country.  So I did.

But the point of this story is that as I sit here in my apartment in Japan, after having watched When Harry Met Sally and Steel Magnolias (sorry Sarah!) I find myself starting to wonder why I have this same feeling...why am I alone?  Even after canceling plans TONIGHT to watch Heroes with friends or other opportunities to pick up the phone....I still have this feeling.  Does everyone?  

It seems ridiculous to me.  Maybe because I'm PMSing and everything is introspective or I'm not eating enough red meat or I'm missing my family or I am tired of my art projects and cleaning and internets to the point I am left to my thoughts.  (Sarah would say this is self inflicted from tormenting myself with fictional sob stories such as the movies previously listed) What's the use.  At least it wasn't The Notebook this time.

Can I blame my family for this?  My mother practically has my name on match.com as we speak!  And every man I meet is greeted by my sisters with the same enthusiasm and premonition...he's the one!  Bah!  Get out of my head!

Is is possible to just be alone.  I mean clearly because here I am.  In Japan, it's not like I'm hiding....necessarily.  I mean, I'm adventuring and learning about myself still.  I have ambitions and dreams I aspire to accomplish.  And it can be complete with all these things, even without a partner right?  Oy vey.

I do believe in love.  I've had it.  I know that it comes out of no where and when it is there, there's no denying it.  I am not afraid it doesn't exist, I suppose tonight I am just worn out from anticipation.  We'll call this a lull and I'll go eat some strawberry Pocky and be fine tomorrow.   I'll get my bangs cut and visit an art museum and I'll be surrounded by life.  I will be right where I'm suppose to be, doing exactly what this life has to offer and I'll love every second of it.  

And this question will come up again, but not for awhile.  I don't have to make heads or tails of it, because it is just a question, just a thought, like so many rolling around in my head.  If I knew the answer to this, I'd just be blogging about something else.  So for tonight I will revel in my inquisition and love that I am alive to think about it.

It's my birthday and stuff

Sept. 4th

Today I am 26 years old.  It just hit me.  Panic?  More like a ringing in my ears, a slight compressed sensation.  26.  In Japan.  Sure.  Why not?

Western Style, My Ass

Sept. 3rd :

I had an interesting experience today while trying to take a dump in the school bathroom.  It could be comparable to most of my experiences here in this foreign country thus far.

At first I wanted to be alone, so I waited for my moment of privacy.  I noticed the 2 sets of toilet shoes as my first clue that I was the only person in the bathroom.  I slipped a pair on knowing full well that should someone stumble into the bathroom my shoes would be a dead give away it was the American taking a dump.  But I was willing to chance it just in case someone came in and saw 2 toilet shoes but heard someone in the bathroom and thought, "eew, gross - potty shoes American!"  At least taking a crap is somewhat more universally forgivable. Perhaps 'potty shoes' is not so much.

So - I enter the "western" style stall.  My excitement for the familiar is quickly replaced with sadness and disappointment.  There is a toilet with a seat, yes, but the seat is wrapped with a terrycloth seat cover.  A moist terrycloth seat cover.  But a seat none the less so I take it.  I think it was the coffee that induced an urgency to the bathroom - DAMN than amazing caffeine rush in the morning!   

Double edged sword : No coffee - tired and slow through the day but no midday dumping. Delicious can of sweet cold coffee - life is great until 2:00 when public dumping is necessary.

Back to the imagery of me on the terrycloth toilet seat, my own little piece of Dante's Inferno.  I have gotten over the first few foreign obstacles but here is the test.  I begin my usual toilet session and things are moving along.  A ray of hope for a quick return into the office and avoiding public awkwardness.  No sooner am I enjoying this thought, my body betrays me.  I have no control and I don't know whatever gave me that idea.  It's stuck.  A moment of panic.  I can hear the kids in the hall.  What do I do?  Push? Reposition? I hear something!  Pinch? Pause?  At this point I'm playing tug of war with my butt.  

I know I am at no place to fully retreat so i bare down for my last desperate attempt to save myself from another experience of a cultural unknown...and the very familiar sting of humiliation.  I grab for the toilet paper which is housed in its own roll of terrycloth.  Embroidered on the terrycloth the words, four seasons.  I hope they are referring to the changing of the weather because this is sure as shit (pun intended) NOT the Four Seasons hotel I can tell you that.  

As I conclude my experience I leave the stall feeling slightly molested.  The floor is wet, the toilet seat is damp terrycloth and who knows where these toilet shoes have been before me?  I can only hope this experience will make me a stronger person and I will begin to feel anything close to optimism again.  Maybe tomorrow or maybe after I take a shower, when my body is mine again and not this foreign place's.

Co-dependence and Abandonment

September 2nd :

Left here like a helpless baby.  LUNCH? Ahem!? 

Nobody waits for people to eat here, they just begin their meals when they arrive.  And if engaging in a conversation about how the school lunches work it's perfectly acceptable for someone to interrupt without so much as an excuse me and then take the person I was talking to away -- even if I am desperately trying to figure out why I am alone in the staff room and if I'm suppose to help bring the lunches out and when I finally get to eat!

Possibly the funniest moment in my life - after a meager attempt to independently find lunch - with no success, I solemnly walk back into the office.  No one is here.  No one.  The only sound that can be heard is...crickets.  No joke.

Crickets, to mock my co dependence and abandonment.

 

Give it to me one more time

Back log : August 22nd (I guess I was trapped in an English speaking body in Japan)

"O" sensei laughed with his whole body when "S" sensei explained to me she didn't have the Japanese writing instruction book for "young kids".  O sensei chimes in, "young kid?  Young kid?" as it is often customary for Japanese people, trying to understand an English conversation, to do by repeating your last words (or maybe in every communication transaction between 2 foreign speakers).  He looked at me, at which moment I point to myself and said "young kid" to express it is I who needs children's books to help me with the writing order of Japanese letters.  

My simple gesture (and coy facial expression) seemed to trigger an attack of spasms all over his body as he threw his hands in the air and moved in every which way as he laughed.  More fluid then a jelly fish was his ability to move his whole body in opposite directions at once.  This laughter was unlike any I'd ever seen!  The spackling of his voice in the air to match, was child like as if he saw something he had never seen before and his reaction was purely physiological and involuntary.  I wish I could describe the sound of his laughter but I fall short by saying it was a contagious ringing of short burst of noise...worst analogy ever : like a ghost was tickling him.  yes.  A ghost. 

Internets happen.

Back log : August 22nd (apparently I had a lot on my mind)

What an amazing process!! After 3 weeks of Internet talk - my supervisor comes in the office in the middle of her teachers' training to ask about which Internet I want to use (there are few different servers).  Apparently, the Principal is on the phone with the "Internet people".  Just fifteen minutes later a man appears from the "Internet" company. 

The elastic had worn out on his slender face and the delicate folds of skin gathered around his cheeks and mouth.  They moved with the inertia of his body, smiling then not, looking down at his notepad.  His Hello Kitty tie said it all really.  

He is here to sort it out.  My address and phone number just about does it and he is off to work on setting up my Internet.  As quickly as he shuffled in, he shuffled back out.  I watched as his green plastic visitors slippers (much too small for his extending feet)  slid over the abused parquet office floor.  The sliding doors clammered shut to trap the precious supply of AC.   

Side note : There is no reason to be upset or impatient.  It always comes through.  If impatience has proceeded it has smothered any chance for genuine appreciation.

Speech Contest

It was speech contest day.  What an experience.  There were about 30 kids giving speeches.  Half were speeches that they had written, the others were recitations of stories.  Both were interesting by their own merit.  The English pronunciation was...developing.  Some students spoke very clearly in their speeches, some speeches I think were in English.  But that is neither here nor there.  There were also some very interesting topics.  The winner gave a speech about suicide in the junior highs.  It was titled, We Are All Involved.  Heavy, but she was looking for a KO and she got it.  Another heavy topic was people who had to hide in a cave during the war and another was about being in a car accident.  Very intense.

The second section was students reciting stories they had memorized.  These stories are unlike any I've ever heard before.  Stories of a little girl dying under a tree after the bombing of Hiroshima, stories of sinners bobbing up and down in the river of blood in the floor of hell, nursery rhymes here.  Brilliant.  Unfortunately (for my 4 young aspiring English speakers) the people who won this category recited stories of Beauty and Beast and Goldie Locks and the 3 bears.  All of which had alternative endings like I had never heard before...I think my favorite was the story where 1 man lost his wallet and another man found it.  The man who found it returned it with all its original $300 in it but the owner of the wallet wouldn't take it because technically he "lost the money".  But the person who found it, couldn't take the money because it wasn't his!  And after arguing back and forth the landlord settled the argument by throwing in $100 of his own money so they could each have $200.  The reasoning, the rationalization to this story : they could both take the money because they were each at a loss of $100, including the landlord (who had nothing to do with the wallet) and then the landlord took them all out for dinner!  Doesn't this make sense?  This is Japan.

As the judges came back in the woman with the microphone announced the weinners.  The weinners.  one more time, the weinners.  I know this is bad karma or something, but really just cultural observation I feel it is my obligation to share the irony of an English speaking contest, critiquing on pronunciation and repeating the words weinner more times than I could handle.  I loved it and yet was disturbed by it all at the same time.  I think that is the definition of acclimating to another culture...don't question just take all in.

some new things

I did all by myself.  I paid my bills at the convenient store, 3 bills, electricity and 2 phone bills.  I sent 4 pieces of mail to the states and had a nice "discussion" with the postman how to address Japanese envelopes.  To address on the front, from address on the back.

(I had to stop and think about the word discussion....I have not had one of those here with a Japanese person ever, such an interesting concept for my life in Japan).  

So, after my delightful stop at the post office I was off to the train station heading to Otsu for my re-entry permit.  Not only did I not know where the office was, I didn't have my form to get the permit.  But!  I managed to find my way to the stamp station, pay the 60 yen for the stamps, and get directions to the proper permit building!  When I arrived I was able to find the form, fill it out (without my usual prolonging fret that increases my form filling time to twice as long).  Filled it out and asked the nice man at the desk questions that I was unsure of.  I got about 5 minutes of Japanese soap opera in before I had my permit and I was out of there.

Next up, shopping.  I really just needed a watch.  

Shopping is what keeps me questioning my allegience to the female gender.  I'm terrible at it.  I start out telling myself, I know what I need.  I think I know what I need.  I have a list.  I have 3 lists.  It starts with one thing...'just focus Kyla'.  A watch.  I keep looking at my wrist and am constantly disappointed (unlike this very second as I watch Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams in The Notebook....never disappointing.) 

So I enter Parko, this giant mall...I am feeling excited.  I accomplished all my goals for the day and I had a little too much cash in my wallet, the mall seemed like a perfect idea.  First stop swatch...right?  Hmm...TOO MANY CUTE CLOTHES on the way....what to do?  Try everything on....but I collect myself and decide...I'm here for a watch.

Watch found! Swatch.  I thought something utilitarian, something that would work with every outfit and just simply tell me the time.  But...then I found this watch and clearly fashion could not be compromised. (sorry it looks like my arms are dead - awful fluorescent lighting!)

So after I had the taste of doling out cash I went looking for, ya know, 'just a top'.  I stumbled into this fantastic store called Natural Beauty Basics...Not only were these clothes Kawaii (cute) but it reminded me of how liberating it is to buy new clothes.  And so I did.  Before I made a *small* purchase I made 2 fantastic discoveries...you have to take your shoes off before going into a fitting room - does anyone else think that's too much? - and when trying on shirts you must first put one of these on....no joke.

Well...after my adventure in shopping it was definitely lunch.  I found a great Italian place with a view, ordered some pasta with mushrooms and cream sauce and had a glass of wine.  I was slightly miffed that they were out of garlic bread but I was not going to let it spoil my celebration for self reliance.  I read a little bit of my book, Love in the Time of Cholera and tried to relax but couldn't figure out if this restaurant was a place where you could hang out or if it was an 'eat your meal and quickly remove yourself' kind of place.  I made a terrible oversight in the clothing shop by taking a pair of leggings out of it's plastic bag and would hate to be so presumptuous now! (Yikes big mistake...the clerk was not too happy) So I ate comfortably but then left.  It was getting dark anyway.  Now, if I could just make it 5 escalators down without finding something else I "needed".

No! The answer is no.  I found the home shop!!!  OMG.  I almost made it out but then there it was, pillows, blankets, beds, couches, lamps and SO CUTE!  I went back and forth between pillows and bedding.  The new bedding made itself into the fitting room with me where I left it deciding I was not there for bedding.  But neither was I there for the clothes necessarily but it didn't stop me from getting another top with tank for underneath...woops.  

Okay...long blog but in the end I will tell you, after doing all of these things by myself today I am starting to feel like I live here.  Despite the fact that I still know practically nothing about the culture and language I have made my way through today.  I owned everything about today and I began to feel at home.  Maybe it is because I am returning to me, the girl who takes on the world.  Or maybe I am on an endorphin high from my retail therapy.  either way, it was a great day.