Congratulations you are still in the running.....

Oh my, what a sob session I had about 30 minutes ago.  The kind my little sister Kara would so kindly go out of her way to tell me to stop doing because my crying sounds are really annoying.  But I couldn't help myself.   I got my favorite roommate's (Lindsey's) package in the mail and it couldn't have come at a better time.  This week has straight up kicked my ass.  I suppose I had to shed some tears to make room for more smiles.  I also think it was the smell of lavender in the soap, incense and lavender pillow that Lindsey sent to me that reminded me of home.  Everything in this country smells a little on the wet side.  Vinegar or mildew.  My apartment especially is made mostly of plastic and there's no dryer so my clothes got to dry last night draped over every door and doorknob in my place....They could go outside but there is a spider bigger than God out there and I was tormented  considering it might touch me.  

Also, this week I got my enlarged pic of my cats for my entryway so I miss miss miss miss miss them terribly.  I feel like a horrible mother.   Typical story, they are going to forget about me.  This thought quickly spirals into everyone will forget about me (despite my incessant skyping and blogging) and then came the, 'what the fuck am I doing here?'  'What am I doing with my life?'  How will I get back into design when I return?  Did I fuck up my "path" whatever that is, by coming here, or can I really live life day to day?  So maybe now you see how this lead to tears.

I didn't say they were necessary tears, I just said I cried.  Sheesh.  I lit a lavender incense and cried in a pool of my own tears and laundry on my bed.  I cannot wait to use my lavender soap and I have almost consumed my entire box of yogurt covered pretzels....which took me back.  

I know that it is just a waste of time to worry about the 'what ifs' in life.  There is only today.  There is only this second, right now.  I need to let go of control and roll with it.  Life is so much more enriching that way.  I mean if you can't get sexually harassed, speed walk 4 km in the blazing heat, hand your sexual harasser his balls in front of his bosses and coworkers, get drunk at an enkai afterwards and then watch Lauren Brie get kicked off America's Next Top Model all in one week....and do all of that surrounded by people you CAN'T understand at all, then hell, what's living?

I mean America is great and I cannot wait to get back there, but today is a day for doing something new and basking in the vastness of it, and out here, it's vast.

Quick shout out, Lindsey your package was amazing and you have deflated and revived me all at the same time.  I am so so lucky you are in my life, and too bad for you I know where you live.  You can't get rid of me.  Text message reading corner when you get this okay?