turn it up

Maybe you've noticed I haven't written anything in a while.  It seems like I can write endlessly for days about annoying shit and weirdness and maybe some taboo ideas.  However I haven't been really dealing with anything like that lately.  My life is settling and I'm enjoying Toga parties and Takoyaki parties and bowling and everything is starting to simmer down.  

Except now, I am in "like" with a boy named Brian.

and I have nothing to say about it.  

I have a lot to say about it actually but I don't want to.  I don't want to tell anyone about it because if you know me, you know I'm a crazy person in relationships...or at the beginning of relationships right before they end.  I don't want everyone to tell me - "oh Kyla, you always like someone" and then feed the fuel to my insecurities about sharing my heart.  I don't want to pull anyone into my psychosis of emotional issues but I'll be the first to admit, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Here's what I'll say, here's the jist.  

I feel different.  After all my panic attacks and talking myself out of this bisness I end up still feeling good about it, like I trust it.  I sorta like being liked - which usually makes me fairly uncomfortable in the sense I might not be in control of everything.  I can admit it.  We have agreed to be "just friends" while I'm in Japan so we can keep it real...which is a huge relief even though it might be a tremendous lie, it's a psychological lifesaver.  I mean I'm here and he's not so........So...wish me luck.  When I agreed to let go of control in my life and move here I put no boundaries on it and am letting the love in.  No expectations just mystery and learning.  Let everything wash over me like an ocean.  What's the worst thing that could happen?  I could end up on a beach?

So no words.  No words.  just magic.