full, not pregnant with your baby

I knew it was sexual harassment because it left the sting of shame.  What an interesting exchange between two people to cause this feeling.  I felt like I had not acted appropriately to his remarks.  'I should have said'....blazed through my mind endlessly until I was paralyzed by it at my desk, unmotivated to do anything at all.  My body was rendered numb and heavy and clearly there was nothing to do but write it out.

Then the excuses came.  'Maybe it's just because it's a Monday', or 'Maybe it's because I was feeling kinda sick already', or 'maybe it's because one of my Japanese coworkers pretty much asked me to have sex with him? and later asked me to keep it a secret'?  I don't know.  Lost in translation leaning strongly towards the latter of the three scenarios. 

I had thought it strange when last week our post lunch English encounter ended with him asking if my "full" stomach was filled with a baby...his baby?!  I laughed it off as poor English and some crazy humor in this country. This teacher had always seemed meager and strange, frequently attempting at least 1 phrase of English a day, very slowly and stuttered usually - but kind and enthusiastic (it's always the meager and enthusiastics.)  I had discussed this situation as a lark at the birthday party on Friday - 'I was trying to say I was "full" as I put my hand on my stomach and he thought I was pregnant, ha ha and asked if it was his baby..haha?'  Many of my friends were shocked by his comment.  Perhaps I had brushed it off too quickly hoping to avoid awkward misunderstandings.  You know - benefit of the doubt type shit.  I hoped it would just be a joke of miscommunication and we would carry on with our daily English exchanges between the two of us.

(wrong)

Monday morning, he brings up the food/baby and after some comic facial translations and gestures he mentions something that sounds like 'full from lunch' and I was relieved all of my benefit of the doubt shit had paid off.  See, just a simple misunderstanding resolved...full from lunch, not baby ;)  

But then, there we are at lunch standing by the tray table, emptying our trays just me and him.   He looks innocent enough, older and almost frail, no one I would feel threatened by. 

Round two : "full belly?" he laughs and points to his stomach.  "Yes, full" I laugh.  The chicken curry was great but I couldn't believe there were 2 other sides to go with it!  This time he says again, "full with my baby" and I laugh.  "Dame (da-may which means bad, or don't do that)" I say with an awkward expression on my face, trying to pick up the laughter.  What is this?  Some kind of bad joke this guy thinks he's scoring points on?  Maybe the first time was funny but now I'm starting to get annoyed...you never ask a woman if she's pregnant let alone continue to do it after the mistake has been remedied.   I try to make this situation a joke by asking him if he is going to have a baby... He responds, "dame! haha your conversation is... interesting."  At which point I tell him "you're funny."  (translation : this better be a joke, because if it's not I'm giving you this one "out" to make it a joke or nothing good will come of it.)

Then he moves to the other side of me as I scrap my food into the compost pot...here it comes again, "my baby... ey?" only this time it seems more desperate, more of a real question.  He also adds an extra syllable at the end indicating he is looking for a real response.  His smile has faded slightly and suddenly we are a man and woman standing in front of that table having an inappropriate conversation (more so in retrospect...at the time it was just more....awkward).  I felt like I was looking at Ben Stiller in dodge ball in his silver spandex joking with me about the shackles he has in the back, but then adds, 'but seriously, I got em'.  If only this old man were Ben Stiller but he's not.  He's a school teacher for Christ sake...and this is not a funny movie, it's lame.  So for the love of God I answer "Dame, dame" said with a smile, can this just be over with already?  He repeats my answer and laughs, "dame" and walks away.  

I move to the sink to rinse out my milk carton and unfold it.  He follows me to the sink though his carton is already opened and rinses it off.  Well that makes sense I guess, this is me still thinking this is all in fun...no big deal, awkward but still just a bad joke because to me, he thinks, "she thinks my joke is funny, I'll just repeat it until forever," I don't know anything but let it lie.

I re-enter the teachers office and begin to do some work for my classes tomorrow.  I have copies to make and take them to the copy room.  I always forget my pen or scissors or white out (all essential worksheet making utensils) so I slide back to my desk to retrieve them when guess  who the fuck is there?  It's the meager enthusiastic.  This time I am waiting for some new stuttered phrases but to my surprise he knows exactly what he's going to say and says it in perfect English.

our conversation is a secret.

Bold, capitalized, italicized and underlined, exclamation point exclamation point.

Shit has gone down.  It's amazing how language works because had he NEVER said those words to me, I would still think, "that silly but creepy man" and left it at that.  Now I'm in the middle of some secret inappropriate behavior trap with the foreigner.  Like hell this secret is happening.  The word secret is like handing me a stick of lit dynamite and then saying, 'please, just hold this for me'.  

I panic a bit thinking shit what am I going to say, I try the foreigner schtick - I don't understand - but he said it in perfect English!  So I try to just shrug /laugh it off with the finger shaking at him saying, "ah, ah" like you're in trouble, but not acknowledging his request for secrecy.   Get me out of here!!!  But he follows me saying, "uh, uh, secret".  I walk right past him and again he follows me back into the printer room.  It was a stupid idea to go somewhere private where I knew we would be alone.  I should have started another conversation with someone else - IDIOT.  But I wanted to not deal.  As he follows me into the room he says again, secret?  I say "wakarimasen" which means I don't understand.  And then he holds his finger over his mouth to make, apparently, the universal sign for shhhhh - even worse.  That moment was as molesting as the western style toilet.  Such an intimate gesture.

I should have said, "No, no secret."  or I could have said, "No secret, just don't talk to me like that anymore" or I should have said, "you are making me really uncomfortable right now, please leave me alone".  Instead I ask, "Why?" "Why is this a secret?" hoping to take some of the pressure off me but to put it back on him, why does he want no one to know if this was just an innocent mistake?  He mumbles something as he backs towards the door...his English is pooling into his brain and he tries to communicate this delicately and precisely.  He manages with, "my.....uh....English.....is....not....good" The school bell rings and he needs to get to class.  I answer him with "Hai hai, not so good."  And he is finally gone.

What just happened?  What do I do? Do I need to do something?  God, I wish I could just drop this in an instant and forget it ever happened, but after finger to the mouth I could just vomit thinking about being alone in a room with this guy again.  Do I feel threatened by this man?  No, but really creeped out.  That's for sure.  I need to do something because I am now sitting at my desk feeling helpless and powerless to the point of numbness.  This is my body telling me that it doesn't matter how I talk myself around this I have been effected by it.  Thank God some part of me is sane.  Action, now.  But how?  To who?

and this is the shit that women get a bad wrap for....damned if you do and damned if you don't. Why do I have to deal with this shit at work?  But if I pass it on, then I bring "my" problems into the office.  WTF.  Balls and shit.  

I try to imagine being a human about it.  Maybe he realized it was a mistake and tried to just not make it awkward, but don't you think he would have just apologized instead of his persistence in secrecy?  Secrecy keeps the door open.  I thought maybe I could just let him know, hey lets just not joke like that...but then what if one day we're alone and he thinks it's "funny" to touch me or it goes too far at an enkai?  In a perfect world I could deal on my own, but I'm not necessarily at work for my health, I'm there to do a job.  So this is not my problem, it is the school's problem.  That's what I think is best but.......as a human being you know life loves to get complicated, especially when there is more than one person involved.  Suddenly, cultural background and personal background come into play as decisions and interpretations are calculated.   

I am so by the book in my mind.  You have to have rules and principles.  That's why they're there...rules set up to help situations like this.  I don't think everyone should have to handle things alone.  We are all connected, there is a network.  So I will first talk to another woman ALT who has been around longer than me to get some advise.  Maybe I'll talk to my supervisor after I have some emotional support.  Just to let someone know and then maybe I can just let the offender know what he did made me uncomfortable.  If he does not feel comfortable about other people knowing what he is talking about then those are inappropriate conversations to be having with me.  

I don't want him to get in trouble, I just want to assert myself.  But I don't know what will happen and that is the complicated bits.  But I know that I will not hold onto this feeling of shame, first and foremost.  Not mine to hold.  I will stop worrying about what will happen to him and focus on what I need to do for myself.  Surprisingly something I feel I need to convince myself of.  This is not the first time this has happened to me.  And I could only hope it will be the last.  But I'm not going to stop talking to people or being friendly and open.  I will try to be more assertive and stand in my own skin when I am feeling uncomfortable and say no.  These moments will always be awkward but the more I get to know myself the quicker my reaction time will be.  I'm only 26.  Watch out.

Sidenote : even the experience writing about this is delicate.  I had to edit more than I usually do to ensure that people will not misinterpret my interpretations.  WTF.  When can I just speak my mind if not in this tiny box in outterspace?