spiderwebs and black underwear

Such an interesting day so far. Sheesh.

My Aunt Martha finally responded to a quaint email with a simple photo attached. Her response in a nutshell : you’re the ONLY person missing your (favorite) cousin's wedding and hope you don’t regret your decision to return to a jobless, shitty economy. Can’t wait till you’re home.

Fuck.

Then last night I got online to pay my credit card bills which I have been SLAVING over to pay off…and on one credit card they jacked up my APR by 17% and then on my other card threw in about $200 extra in debt. WTF. Don’t panic. I called them today and got the f*ckers to a)reduce my APR back down to 10% and they are reimbursing me about $100 for their mistake HA! b) explain where all the charges came from (skype) and lower my APR.

I wonder why my chest seems to be collapsing in on itself today?

To add insult to injury, the world is throwing every single person in this world that makes me feel inferior at me all at once. Okay, so I feel like a pretty secure person, but there are a few people out there that I haven’t fully sorted out yet. 1) My ex boyfriend. After a 2 year, of what I would call an emotionally abusive/draining, relationship and 4 years since, I still get hung up every time he wants to facebook friend me. I think I have denied him 5 or 6 times this year – succumbed once, only to cancel it seconds later. This time he sent a message attached…”why is it so hard for us to be friends?”. Um…because of all the times you told me or showed me that I wasn’t worthy of your time or love….how bout that? About 3 months ago I sent him a pretty straight forward message explaining that though he is adorable and witty he mostly just annoys the shit out of me and that I would rather him not be in my everyday mind and vice versa. If he had something important to say, my gmail was always available to him. His constant requests to facebook me implies a sense of disrespect for my wishes and just goes to show I am dealing with a petulant child who just wants his way. He wants his toys but only to throw them on the floor and forget about them. Well I wipe my hands clean of this!
2) Good ole college competition. Why can’t I get past feeling so incredibly inferior to this one girl from college? Her and I were toe to toe on our projects and yet, she is an interior designer, married with child and I am….just trying to figure out where I put my head in 2004. Her face appears all over my facebook reminding me of these old tender memories. Hence why it would be gravely unwise to add an ex with such flagrance for fairweatherness.
3)Salt to the wound…upon doing some emotional cutting (facebook photo stalking of said college competition) I came across a picture that she was tagged in. I tried to see if I could recognize anyone else in the photo and low and behold there was a girl who I fell out of friendship with. Not just fell like lost touch, fell as in was ousted and ousted right back. This girl and I were good friends in school until it became apparent the only reason why we were friends was because of her interest in my then boyfriend now ex boyfriend who won’t stop stalking me on facebook. I don’t have that many friends that I have stopped being friends with but she is one of them. Maybe the only one I can think of off the top of my head. And I can’t help but wonder…why? Why are there relationships that cannot be reconciled? Why are there people that you just don’t get along with? I know it takes all kinds but if you were friends at one time…how does that change?

And more important how did I end up in this triangle of funk? Talk about walking through spiderwebs.

My coworker is wearing black underwear under his light linen pants. I just shake my head.