dreaming the life

Most days are remembered like dreams. `Did that really happen?` is a question I find myself asking a lot. The lochness monster, for example, was discussed while walking over a stone pathway over a mote to get into the Hikone Castle grounds. I believe the question was,'do you believe in the lochness monster?' or would you kill it and capture it if you saw it?' or Does it live in Japan?' - but all of this was discussed as I peered into the green darkness of the mote as I walked single file to the Mascot summit.

Do you see what I mean? This really happened.

Also - singing Old Crow Medicine Show, Wagon Wheel as I exited the train in Otsu. The people staring at me seemed to disappear either from the drowning music coming from the ipod or the blindness of the booze. Efrem says, "Do you mind? Some people have to live here!"

I was overcome with a sense of free-ness. I reminded Efrem (in between musical stanzas) that I did not live in Otsu and would never be seeing these people again. And as I continued to sing I also let my body follow into joyous dancing all the way from the train to the taxi to the lyrics, rock me mama like a wagon wheel, rock me mama anyway you feel, hey mama rock me, rock me mama like the wind and the rain, rock me mama like a south bound train, hey... mama rock me.

and I was happy and free.

*I would like to thank the beer suppliers at the Round1 bowling alley in Kyoto and the Heineken suppliers at Lawson's for contributing to my state of enlightenment - oh ya, and thanks Japan.

My Mother and her Wonderful Sneeze

She pretends not to care when she really does

and she really cares when she wants to

she cares too much when no one cares

feeling good

I can only begin to describe how wonderful my experience in Japan is by saying, space.  I have found space here.  Space to breath.  Space to think and learn and grow and hide and come and go as I please.  Tonight I am watching the Fifth Element as I am stretching in my living room.  My "extra" tatami mat room where only a coffee table resides and some pillows to sit on.  It is simple.  I have room to stretch.  I have always wanted an empty room to just have space.  I have that here.  It inspires me to stretch.  It gives me room to breath as I let the oxygen fill my muscles and room to exhale as I stretch a little more.   It is quiet here.  

I am definitely feeling at home.  I am settling into my job and love my town.  I am getting the jist on how to handle my students and looking forward to my weekends to go crazy.  My Japanese is kicking in...sorta.  I find myself using some sentences when having conversations with my coworkers.  

The other day I thought, 'when would I come back and visit Japan' after I return home, and realized it wouldn't be for a long time.  I started to miss Japan as I sat at my desk in school.  I missed Japan and I haven't even left yet.  I still don't know exactly how long I will be here, 1 year is what I am thinking...but it is so wonderful here.  The culture is smooth, the traditions are grounding the honorific systems they use are endearing and motivating.  It is easy to want to work somewhere where we are all working with and for each other.  Everyone wants to help each other and are grateful to have you with them.  Grateful.

Maybe I'm just grateful.  Grateful that I haven't keeled over and died since I got here, grateful that everyone has helped me so much and have made me feel at home.  I'm grateful that I have this amazing apartment and great friends to explore with.  I'm grateful for the room to breath and grateful that I have amazing friends back home to lift me up when I'm feeling down.  I really threw myself into this experience, just fell backwards and everyone has put their arms out to catch me.  So, thanks.

It feels good to be alive.  This world is a trip.  yay me.

loves.

it won't hurt you

(dream last night)

I was buying a backpack ~ but I was reluctant to spend money, but it fit so comfortably.

Then - I was showing someone a baby bird in a cage.  When I looked down, it jumped out through the bars.

I was scared of it.  It was quite small and fast.  Someone reassured me it would not hurt me and I would not hurt it.

So I put my hand down and it jumped onto my finger, but then fell off.

Someone showed me how to do it, but when the bird was securely holding on to their finger, this person pulled it through a puddle as if it was teaching the bird to swim.

The bird had light curly feathers and though I was concerned at first about the water, it seemed to enjoy the experience.

turn it up

Maybe you've noticed I haven't written anything in a while.  It seems like I can write endlessly for days about annoying shit and weirdness and maybe some taboo ideas.  However I haven't been really dealing with anything like that lately.  My life is settling and I'm enjoying Toga parties and Takoyaki parties and bowling and everything is starting to simmer down.  

Except now, I am in "like" with a boy named Brian.

and I have nothing to say about it.  

I have a lot to say about it actually but I don't want to.  I don't want to tell anyone about it because if you know me, you know I'm a crazy person in relationships...or at the beginning of relationships right before they end.  I don't want everyone to tell me - "oh Kyla, you always like someone" and then feed the fuel to my insecurities about sharing my heart.  I don't want to pull anyone into my psychosis of emotional issues but I'll be the first to admit, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Here's what I'll say, here's the jist.  

I feel different.  After all my panic attacks and talking myself out of this bisness I end up still feeling good about it, like I trust it.  I sorta like being liked - which usually makes me fairly uncomfortable in the sense I might not be in control of everything.  I can admit it.  We have agreed to be "just friends" while I'm in Japan so we can keep it real...which is a huge relief even though it might be a tremendous lie, it's a psychological lifesaver.  I mean I'm here and he's not so........So...wish me luck.  When I agreed to let go of control in my life and move here I put no boundaries on it and am letting the love in.  No expectations just mystery and learning.  Let everything wash over me like an ocean.  What's the worst thing that could happen?  I could end up on a beach?

So no words.  No words.  just magic.

random thoughts, please don't feel obligated to comment.

Every twist and turn of the day brings more and more answers, as if my life in Japan is a game of Tetris.  

side note : "I'm Japanese, I don't use candles!" she exclaimed as she bitterly recalled a story of how she threw away all the left over shit (i.e. candles) from her "ex" boyfriend's house after he had allowed his ex girl friend to stay with him against my friends request.  --> I had no idea that is a non-Japanese trait....the use of candles?  I had to laugh at how vehemently she said it.  hm.

I  love it here.  It's not just Japan so much as this life provided by JET.  I have been given a wonderful group of friends who are "jetting" down the same adventure as me.  Everyone is game to celebrate everyday and every person here.  I have a job that I dip into for a few hours a day that opens my mind to a cultural divide and then have the rest of the day to swim in it.  The days go by and the more I learn about Japan the more I have to shuffle my ideas about myself as an American.

kobe is a city in Japan